Right now I'm sitting in a hotel room in LA, staring out the window at a palm tree that stands higher than the others, well over the building in front of it.
The room is dark. Brian's already asleep. I should be. We need to get up early for our flight back home.
Does the typing penetrate my husband's dreams? What is it turned into? The crunch of leaves, the falling of rain?
This is one of those times where it's hard to capture the moment, because it exists only in my head. Here I am, alone, in a room with the love of my life, surrounded by a huge city full of people, yet alone, alone. It's a good alone, a twilight alone, where the world is continuing around me like it always does, yet I can feel the change.
I'm thinking of all the people I know in my life. The friends that I saw at the wedding. The weekly meeting of friends back home that I missed. The generous friends who watch over our cats while we are gone. The awesome friend who will have taken hours out of his schedule and woke in the early morning to drive us to and from the airport. My sister, back from her trip, a trip that will always bring back memories for her. My favorite actor that I got to meet while I was out here and treated me with such kindness. My husband, just six feet away, who will roll over and put his arm around me once I join him in bed.
All of these people have touched me, made my life better. Have I done the same for them? Is there anyone out there thinking of me right now?
I want someone to think of me, not in my own vanity, but because I want to give back all that the people in my life have given to me. I feel unworthy in a way, forever in a deficit, paying back that generosity any chance I can get.