Getting Help

This isn't my typical light hearted post, and it's something that's hard to talk about. But I feel like I need to talk about it, if only to help other people.

It's been a while since I talked about my moods. In fact, I was worried that my blog would become too depressing, so my posting frequency has decreased a lot since my mood got worse.

I suspect most of my friends don't know about my moods, because when I'm having problems, I avoid people. A few people have been around me when I do one of my burst-into-tears-and-can't-stop-crying episodes.

And I've always been worried that it's just me, that I should be able to control my moods. I've been afraid of the stigma of being treated for it.

Last year I finally got up the courage to talk to my doctor about it. I posted about that, her advice was to exercise. That obviously didn't work. Her unconcern about it made me wonder even more if this was something that I should be able to do on my own.

Although a few friends encouraged me to go back to the doctor, I didn't. Finally, it came time to have my yearly physical, so I tried out a new doctor. Her name is Lisa Jerrells, and I really like her. I didn't fill out a medical history form or dictate it to a nurse, Dr. Jerrells asked me directly. I felt like she listened to me and really was there to help. Finally, and probably most importantly, I felt like we connected well.

So, in addition to resolving to talk to a doctor about it, I felt comfortable enough with her to talk about my mood problems. She determined that I have dysthymia, which is like depression, but the symptoms are less severe but it lasts longer. Of course, I got home and Googled it. Trying to put into words the way I've been feeling seemed nearly impossible, but I've found a few articles that come pretty close. It's relieving to actually read what I'm feeling, especially the things that I don't normally associate with depression.

Dysthymia is a chronic long lasting form of depression sharing many characteristic symptoms of major depressive disorder. However, these symptoms tend to be less severe but do fluctuate in intensity.

Fluctuating makes perfect sense. There are some days I'm fine, and others that I'll know when I wake up if it's going to be a bad mood day.

Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions

When I realize this, it makes my mood even worse. I get frustrated, agitated, and irritable. I'll be having trouble concentrating, then I'll get interrupted by someone or something, which will break what little concentration I have and make me angry.

Low energy or fatigue

Couple this with the poor concentration, and I'm getting nothing done.

Low self-esteem

Always been a problem.

Poor appetite or overeating

Take some poor concentration, add some low energy, and overeating, and you've got the low self esteem fat person that's typing this blog. And it is possible to have a poor appetite and overeat. I'll skip meals, then snack on comfort foods, because deciding on what to have for dinner is just too stressful.

As dysthymia is a chronic disorder, a person may often experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they tend to believe that depression is a part of his or her character. This, subsequently, may lead sufferers to not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members or friends.

Hit the nail on the head.

Some sufferers describe being under chronic stress. When treating diagnosed individuals, it is often difficult to tell whether they are under unusually high environmental stress or if the dysthymia causes them to be more psychologically stressed in a standard environment.

But this one sealed the deal. If there were any way to describe how I feel, it's constantly stressed.

So we talked about therapy vs. medication, and ultimately she suggested I look into Zoloft because from my symptoms it sounds like the problem is chemical in nature. I really like how she wanted me to look into it before I start taking it. So I've done my research, and I've decided to try it. I feel like I've failed and that I'm caving to taking meds and taking the easy way out. But, I'm to the point where I think it's worth a try.