|Photo by Levi Thomas|
I'm fat. I hear you my friends, telling me, "You're not fat, you're perfect the way you are," and I know you mean well. But fat is merely an adjective, and one that describes me.
I know which foods are good for me and which aren't. I've done Weight Watchers, I've counted calories, I know. I still eat ones that aren't. Am I trying to eat less of the bad ones and more of the good ones? Yes. Am I cutting out the bad ones completely? No. Am I dieting? Oh hell no. Because when I worry about what I should and shouldn't eat, it makes me feel bad about myself. When I focus instead on giving myself the nutrition to function at my best, it makes me happier. When eating ice cream is my choice, it's a lot easier for me to say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood." When I think of ice cream as something I can't have, it's all I want.
I don't exercise. Wait, before you start telling me that the things I do are exercise, hear me out. Exercising is a chore, a thing to cross off a list. On the other side, I'm finding that being active makes me happy. When I dance, I get lost in the music, and all meaning of time floats away. Learning choreography gives me a mental challenge. Hiking gets me outside and gives me peace of mind. Trying new things, like the aerial silks class I just took, satisfies my desire to explore, and when I find myself becoming stronger because of it, I am proud.
|Photo by Michael P Hoover Photography|
I am proud of my body. I find joy in it. Where I used to be critical of every picture taken of me, now I find that I'm looking forward to seeing pics of me in action. When I see these pictures, I think, "Look at this thing I can do. Not everyone can do that."
My body is not an achievement or failure, my efforts are. I'm a dancer and an artist, and I want to get better. So I push my body to its limits so I can build up the tools I need to improve.
So what if I'm fat, I can still move in amazing ways. I challenge those who call me unhealthy because of my body, for them to do the things I do, and to improve in the ways I strive to. Because I'm not done yet. I will never be done. But on the way, I'm not focused on the way I look, I'm focused on what I can achieve.
Fat or not, I'm going to keep rocking.